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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I would never choose to cry, but somehow my heart did.

I think this is my first ever emo post.
I'm very good at hiding my sad thoughts and feelings, but somehow today, all my skills were drained.

Last week, my new english teacher asked us to introduce ourselves with words like optimist, introvert, extrovert, pessimist, and etc.

"Hi, I'm Jiawen. I'm very optimistic about life, but I'm an introvert as myself."
My teacher gave me a "kind-of-a-bitch-look" and conclude that I'm a confusing person. Well, yes. I guess I'm gonna get bipolar personality disorder soon.

Today, I confronted a friend because I know something was wrong between us. The reason I did because I don't want to have any questions in my mind. When I see her every time, that same question will flash up in my head again. And Today, I know the answer directly from her. The answer was what I'd always known and I'd never wanted to bother about it. But my introvert self wants to know the truth of the truth. Statement : I'm a suck-ish person that hurts other people's feeling without noticing it. I didn't know how but, my tear ducts were unusually active today. I used all my energy to hold back my tears. But they were just out of my hands.
And for the first time in my life, I cried in school.
I really hate myself for crying in front of her, because I will never choose to do that.

And now I think I'm utterly insane to cry because of this little matter.

And now I know my ultimate weakness.

I hurt others and in the end the wound and pain comes back to me.

That's because I'm very concern about what people think about myself and that's how it hurts to the core.

I don't know whether I'm gonna be a better person. Because I'm really tired of trying to be one. I really don't know how to be a nice friend. The more I want to be a better person. The worse I get. I don't want to hate someone either, because it hurts and it's really really tiring.
I'm really tired now......

Okay, I should stop the emo-ing....
After a lot of thoughts, I'm back to my optimistic self again...
but I'll always be an introvert...

Conclusion : I'm a Optimistic Introvert.

"Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge." Introverts make up about 60% of the gifted population but only about 25-40% of the general population." - from Giftedkids.com


Gifted?? Really??

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